Dealing With Pain
by Helena25
Summary: Rush returns on Destiny after the "land-slide" and he is - changed. He has to deal with his past, his present, fluctuating between the man he was before Gloria s death and the man he is now.
1. Chapter 1

"No, sir, not yet, " TJ was gently thrusting him out of the infirmary. " He is, as far as I could judge, relatively unharmed, he just needs to sleep it off. The concussion was not a severe one and, all in all , I think Dr. Rush has had a great deal of luck."

Yeah, sure, the Colonel thought grimly, a great deal of luck.

Before stepping outside he turned around and threw a wary glance at the still form of Rush. The haggard face, tight with pain - the knowledge of what ordeal the man must have passed through - struck him with an almost physical force. Struggling for self-reassurance, he bit the remorse back. No. The bastard did all this to himself, and he, Young, just would not go saddled with the guilt till the end of his days. So that is there. He. Did. It. To. Himself.

"Call me as soon as he wakes."

TJ did exactly that. Three hours later.

Young paused just for a second outside the infirmary, bracing himself for the onset of the infuriated scientist, for the hurl of his words, possibly shouts. For the truth which Rush would reveal and which Young would deny. For the revelation.

He entered, walked to the bed, stared impassively at deadly pale Rush. Stared calmly, refusing to lower his eyes, prepared to fight Rush`s statement- as he was fighting his own conscience.

Rush stirred, trying to sit up, eyes still a bit unfocused.

" A _Welcome back _ would be rather stale but quite appropriate, you know," he murmured un a rasp voice.

Colonel just stared. Not at the words, but at the way Rush said them. The tone was decidedly wrong - for the situation, yes, but also for Rush -as -he- usually- was as well. Too open, too unguarded, too - warm. What kind of game was he playing now?!

" How are you?" he managed to ask, playing for time, completely at a loss.

Rush tried to shrug.

"Oh, fine. Considering the fact that TJ over here has been regaling me with a tale of my own adventures - quite fine."

Young turned around, glad of an excuse to break eye- contact with Rush. Trying to puzzle out the evident lack od any undercurrent in Rush`s attitude.

"TJ?"

Tamara stepped forward at the Colonel`s abrupt command.

" Sir, Dr. Rush sustained a serious head trauma that has, evidently, produced a local amnesia. He does not remember last week. It kind of dropped out."

"Can`t say I regret the loss deeply, " remarked Rush. This time his voice was strained, but still there was the same odd note of- what? Unguardedness?

Young nodded. Thrusting his own confusion and relief back, he looked again at Rush.

" And just what exactly," began he, but Tamara resolutely stepped in.

" No, no, sir. Later. I absolutely insist on Dr. Rush`s having another nap right now. You know very well yourself that once he gets out of here he will sleep once in a blue moon - and that not always."

" All right. Just... get yourself in shape, Rush. And..." he fumbled for a second and finished " Good to have you back." Young could see the faint surprise at his uncharacteristically stiff behaviour in Rush`s eyes and a more pronounced one in Tamara`s.

He made his way out and leaned against the wall, allowing himself to relax a bit. Trying to adjust . Rush unaware of what he had done to him was an entirely new concept and just for a second he wistfully wished he could do the same. Just forget...

He caught up with himself a minute later when TJ called him from behind.

" Sir... there is something that I wanted to inform you about. Rush`s amnesia - I was not able to evaluate it precisely, but it seems that he remembers everything that happened since the time of his arrival on Destiny at any rate. With two exceptions. He does not remember the land-slide, capture, saving Chloe and making it back to the ship. And,"she paused and Young stiffened in expectation. " he does not remember his wife`s death."

" You mean…?"

"Yes. He thinks she is alive, he talked about her. And," there was sincere regret in Tamara`s eyes and- compassion. " that is the worst possible thing that could happen to him - aside from getting lost."

Young winced imperceptibly and silently motioned for her to go on.

" He is undergoing a severe psychological trauma right now. Whether he remembers what had happened to him during the capture or not, the hurt is still there. His mind is trying to deal with it by shutting the painful memories off. Probably this would have happened even without that knock on the head he got on jumping inside the ship. And similarly he has shut away the most scarring of his experiences: the loss of his wife. For now. But when he learns the truth...For the second time…"

She paused.

" He will go unstable. Violently unstable." She finished softly.

Young exhaled sharply, concern for the ship, for the crew hitting him like a cold wave.

Rush, unhinged for a few hours and getting back to work almost at once, had been bad enough.

Rush with a severe disorder was capable of jeopardising everyone on board.

And... and yes. OK, out with it, face the truth. It was his-Young`s- doing.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Two weeks is a longish period of time. Enough to get to know a person that you are currently shut with on board a space-ship. And enough to get to know his other version as well.

That is what the crew of Destiny was currently engaged in.

Because Dr. Rush WAS changed. Not in a drastic, spectacular way, far from it, but - definitely altered.

And this new Dr. Rush was much easier to study. The Rush systems of "don`t get any nearer to me than you actually have to" were shut off. Oh, he didn`t exactly wear his heart on his sleeve, but now there was something new in his demeanor, in his behavior, something, that was wholly alien to the Rush they had known. It was - trust. Confidence. No need to play the " don`t really care about anyone here, expect you to return the sentiment " stuff . No need to be ashamed of showing that he DID care.

His temper didn`t change much, he was definitely not a sunshiny person. He would still snap at people and storm at his scientific team, but, somehow, now he was doing it without the old frosty disdain - and that took the sting away considerably.

And eventually people started feeling different towards him. Not all of them, naturally, but Rush`s reaction, whenever he met with distinct hostiliness, was also changed. The first time it happened after his release from the infirmary was in the dining- hall. TJ and Eli watched the whole incident from afar. They couldn`t make out what Greer had said to Rush, but the meaning was pretty clear. They saw Rush draw back slightly before responding in a quiet way and moving away. It was then that they caught the expression of his face. It was impassive, but they could still discern that Greer`s words , whatever they were, had sunk in. And they had hurt.

TJ and Eli glanced away almost at once, disturbed at this glimpse of Rush and at understanding: this must have been so the whole way, he must have been just pretending total indifference and insensitiveness. Though with a far, far greater success…

/

There were some changes on all levels, that of body-language included. His smile was much broader now and, except for the snapping- time, when it would be coloured by sarcasm, it was a warm, sincere one. The trade-gesture of Rush`s - crossing his arms on his chest - seemed also to have fallen in disuse, and the significance of this was vivid. Rush simply no longer felt the need to shield so much…

/

TJ shook her head, sadness filling her eyes.

" No, sir. He is still coping, yes, though he does not know it himself, but that won`t last long. Eventually memories - of his capture and… of his loss - will start coming back."

"Within what period?" Young asked, tensing.

"I can`t say, sir. These things are unpredictable, and, besides," her eyes clouded, " there might be an abrupt ending to all this respite he is getting now. He - he might ask to use the Communication Stones."

Young nodded heavily.

" He has. And will again."

/

" And Colonel Young was OK with that?" TJ asked casually, trying to keep the tension from her voice, intently studying Rush`s currently relaxed features - he was taking a break from work watching the stars spin by.

" No. It appears I`ve overused my quota. I did mention, that I didn`t remember any of my Earth-visits, but the Colonel failed to see the point."

He half-smiled and TJ, trying hard to smile in return, softly asked " You miss your wife badly, don`t you?"

He was silent for a moment or two, his eyes riveted to the view.

"I don`t know." He finally said in a low, hesitaiting tone, as if he were largely talking to himself. " You see, I somehow feel as if… as if she were nearer to me now than for a very long time. It sounds crazy: in fact , we `ve never been apart for longer than a day. Certainly never a few billon of light-years apart, but the feeling remains."

TJ heart twisted: there was so much wistful softness and confidence in his voice… And somehow now she gathered more fully than ever, what having much more than a few billion of light-years between himself and his wife must have meant to him. What it would mean.

She left the room, the dull ache , ever present in her thoughts of him, turning now to a sharp pain…

/

"Rush, I think we discussed this. There are many people on this ship who haven`t yet had a chance of home-visit and so, no, I don`t think it right to let you jump your turn."

Young didn`t really hope that his words would carry conviction: Rush just wasn`t the sort of fellow who could ever see that the need of others was more pressing than his own, but he was trying to gain time. At least, time enough to stabilize Destiny to the extent where it would be possible to manage her without Rush for, say, a week or 10 days. That was TJ`s approximate evaluation of the period of time Rush would need to pull himself together. The optimistic one.

Young tried not to think about the scenario where it would take longer.

Rush crossed his arms, visibly trying to control his anger.

"OK, than why announce this to the whole ship?"

The Colonel tried to feel indignant at this underhanded - again, so typically Rushish- idea, but just couldn`t. At least he tried to act indignation.

"What do you think you…"

"Listen, " Rush interrupted him, speaking almost in a whisper and with a quiet current of something akin to fear running through his voice, " I just need to - see someone. It wouldn`t take long. I promise. I- I just need it."

Young had to withdraw his eyes: the pleading in Rush`s, the unveiled pain in them, was really too much.

" So does everyone," he responded gruffly. " So you will just have to wait."

Yeah, and we will just have to face the whole weird thing when you exhaust your patience, he added mentally.

Rush was silent for a few seconds, his face closing, every trace of the emotion he had laid open before the Colonel visibly shutting off. Finally he turned around and wordlessly left.

The Colonel drew a long sigh.

/

TJ was watching him carefully, making sure he did not overtax himself. Here she found, to her considerable relief, that Rush was now much more amenable to discipline than before. Well, he still tended to work to near exhaustion , but, at least, now he ate and slept on a regular basis. And his attitude to his work - it was still dedicated in the highest degree, fuelled by his endless energy and overdrive, yet something akin to desperate flight was gone from it. And reason good- he no longer had to flee from himself.

For now, TJ reflected sadly.

Colonel Young was watching Rush even more intently than TJ. He just had to. After all, their security, probably their lives, depended on the guy`s reason and intelligence. They just couldn`t afford his losing command of either.

But he had yet another reason for doing this. Conscience-reason.

Young no longer tried to stifle his remorse away or talk himself into shouldering the blame wholly on the scientist. It was there, every day, ever present, staring at him out of the currently freed from anguish, un- self-aware eyes of the man he had doomed to death.

What do you do when you are facing someone you had injured so deeply that he doesn`t even know it himself? When you know the repercussions of your deed will shortly hit him and all but tear him apart?

Young just did not know.


	3. Chapter 3

/

He had dreamed of Gloria again that night.

He was standing on the threshold and she was playing the violin not three steps away from him. And her music and her presence and the soft luster of her hair and her smile, and the serenity of her eyes were filling the room, filling his life. And he knew she was aware of his standing there though she was not looking at him.

And through it all there was a quiet dread, creeping in his heart. A dread that kept him from approaching her, from calling her name, from so much as stirring. As if something within him knew, that the moment he did this, everything would be smashed away...

He shot wide awake.

/

Next thing they noticed was Rush`s taking to walking the ship at night. That was definitely new. They were pretty used to his treating sleep as an unnecessary luxury, but they were not used to his spending his not- working –at- the –consoles time roaming the ship`s corridors. At first he would start whenever anyone came across him, but lately he wouldn`t even take any notice of anyone.

Some of them tried to talk to him. Eli, for one.

" Look, is it some new method of concentration that you are practicing?" he started companiably, falling in step beside Rush. " I hope you are on to something really stunning, then, for we have some pretty pressing matters on hand now that you..."

" That I atttended to half an hour ago," Rush cut in impatiently but without real acidity: rather, as if he were just motioning him absent-mindedly away.

"You did? Now, look, you couldn`t have! Why, there were about three separate circuits and Valker ..."

" Good-night, Eli."

" OK, OK, there was something else that I need to talk to you about."

"Yes, " this time there was a definite edge in his voice and he kept his face half- averted.

"You… you aren`t sleeping. " Eli just blurted out and, feeling that he was in for it now, plunged away in a desperate " in for a penny , in for a pound" way. "I mean... you can`t really go on like that, you know. Or rather, you don`t know that, which is why, I guess, you are doing it. And… " Eli`s voice died away - not so much because of the nonsense he was saying, but because of the weirdly Un-Rushian behavior of Rush. The man just stood there, looking at him and through him, not really hearing a single word, it seemed. If only Rush had exploded, or at least acted some in- character disdainful stuff- but- no. Nothing. A blank face, a weary stare. Hopeless, silent sorrow.

And so, dispiritedly, Eli finished " And here I am telling you this, you know."

Then he just shut up and looked at the man helplessly, not unlike a confused overgrown child.

It was probably this resemblance that automatically pulled Rush into some sort of awareness.

" You…" he threw his hair out of his eyes and the gesture seemed to lend his voice some of the usual crispness and assuredness. " You are on this ship as my assistant, not TJ`s, Eli . Just keep it this way."

"Aye, sir", Eli responded, feeling slightly, ever so slightly, reassured.

The feeling died away in a few minutes as he noticed the way Rush`s shoulders slumped as soon as he got far away - in his estimation - from Eli to be observed…

/

Still another dream.

This time she was not playing, just standing there, gazing at him with wise loving eyes. And he yearned so desperately for her touch, her word, that his breath caught, and his eyes stung. He knew, somehow he knew, that she was shielding him from something- from something that would overwhelm him, shatter him, break him. From a wild on-rush of pain and loneliness and guilt and indifference and lostedness…

And he was motionless. Numb.

And she gazed at him.

Loving.

Trusting.

Forgiving.

/

He woke with a half- gasp, half- sob. Drew a trembling hand across his eyes- it came away wet.

" Volker to Rush"

He was so disoriented that it took him a moment to switch on the radio.

"Rush here, " his voice was - strange. Half- choked.

There was a brief pause, then Volker, evidently swallowing whatever flippant remark he was about to make, said in a much too gentle a tone "Um...You told me to alert you whenever those red dots reappeared and... so I did."

He drew one more deep breath.

"OK. Coming".

Forcing himself to just - get up, had never seemed such trouble before.

/

He turned over a new leaf, rubbing his eyes with his hand, and wearily blinked a few times.

"Dr. Rush?"

TJ`s voice, soft as it was, made him start. He grunted something that, he hoped, she wouldn`t take for a greeting, deliberately lowered his eyes to his pad and started scribbling anew.

She was silent and he knew that she was regarding him closely. Her solitude neither irritated no touched him. He just wanted her to leave.

And he wanted her not to see how his hands were shaking ( he was past the trembling state, it seemed), and how his eyesight was blurring… And how he felt as if he were just a few steps away from something dark and hopeless that he would get lost in and never find his way out again.

Because there would be no one to reach out to.

No one to guide him out.

He gave it up when she settled down on the floor resting her head against the wall. Just gave everything up: his pad and his pencil and his pretence and his restraint.

" You need to talk, " TJ said gently. " Please... Please, just - do it. At least, try."

He was past abrupt, snappy responses, past lying, past shutting up. Just feeling tired and lost in darkness. Too tired to brush her away and not tired enough to do as she bid him.

And he shook his head slowly, quietly. Shut his eyes once more, seemingly forgetting about her presence, wrapped once more in himself, in that which was haunting him.

And yet TJ didn`t leave. She sat there, motionless, neither speaking, nor moving, merely letting him feel that there was someone in the darkness for him to hold on to - if he would.

If he could.


	4. Chapter 4

Young paused at the door, debating whether to try and induce the man to get some sleep or not. Finally giving up the attempt as a completely hopeless one he turned noiselessly to leave and - just couldn`t.

They say that murderers keep coming back to the spot of the murder, for it exercises a weird influence over them. Well, Young was not a murderer - thanks to a chance and good luck ( Rush`s and his own) - but right now he found it unimaginably difficult to tear his eyes away, to get _himself_ away to some Rush- free, ( OK, pain-free, hurt-free, guilt-free) place. Just couldn`t.

Rush, engaged in working out the reprogramming of the shields, paid no attention to him, in fact, was hardly aware of his presence. The sharp light emanated by the console was highlighting the scientist`s face. In this uncanny illumination the man no longer looked intimidating, acid, arrogant and generally pain- in - the assish. He looked detached, unnaturally still...sorrowful. Lonely.

Helpless.

And fragile - to the point of breaking.

In fact, that was what he was. Already broken once -( years before they all met him and by that time he had given up trying to pick up the pieces- if he ever did) and heading towards a second shattering.

Young unconsciously shifted, the brunt of these thoughts almost physically suffocating him.

And he certainly wasn`t beginning to feel sorry for the guy. What Rush was and what he became and what he chose to remain were his and only his choices. He alone was responsible for them and for himself.

If he was miserable and broken and unwilling- or unable- to seek help, so much the worse for him.

(_ "It is the worst thing that could have happened to him" -_ TJ`s voice whispered again, mocking him, mocking his attempts to force himself out of his share of guilt... out of his guilt).

And he was instantaneously hit by a wave of rage - at Rush, at the situation the man had created for him, forcing him to make the dreadful discovery of himself, forcing him to realize just what he, the honourable, straight- forward, just colonel turned out to be capable of. If it had not been for Rush Young might have stayed forever unfamiliar with his own - his _true_ - self.

Damn him. And damn it all.

Was he now to jog along with the man, to watch him being swallowed by darkness and pain, to follow him down step by step and realize that this all was his own doing?

Only it wasn`t. It was Rush`s - **Rush`s!** - fault.

And Rush looked up.

And Young wished - for one mad second - that the scientist would spring up, hit him or verbally assault him, denounce him: or at least look at him like he should - with hatred and fury and knowledge of what he had done to him. With resent.

Not like this. Not with blank and tired and unaware and mutely pained eyes.

"Your shift ended, like, 6 hours ago, " Young stated, coming closer and trying to speak casually.

"I need to finish this, " Rush responded quietly, again looking at the screen.

" You need to sleep," Young insisted.

Rush threw his hair out of his eyes with a clearly unsteady hand. Solicitude - for the team? - spurred Young on, helped him with his choice of words.

"Look, Rush, I honestly don`t care if you work yourself to the point of dropping down, but I do care about the effect that you subsequent inability to carry on would have on the ship. You get me?"

After a long pause Rush tore his gaze away from the screen and tried to focus it on Young. He frowned and a spark of irritation passed across his face. It quickly died out and he wearily leaned his chin into his right hand, hiding his face. For a fleeting moment it seemed to Young that he had won. And he was not relieved.

"I have to finish this." he heard Rush finally murmur in a listless, painfully candid, much too calm to be normal, way.

Young stepped back.

Forced himself to leave.

/

As Young walked back to his quarters, flashes of his recent conversation with Eli whirled across his mind. Was it now a part of all the Rush-connected strain that he was going through these days, to have snatches of conversations with deeply- worried- about- the- scientist people playing across his mind?

_The lad confronted him and started without any prelude:_

_" Now, just could you, please, tell me - what the hell is the matter with him?"_

_ "You know that."_

_Eli seemed to be non-plussed by the flat answer, yet he carried on with a kind of long pent-up energy._

_"Well we... I don`t know, we just should do something! I mean he is kind of," he paused, searching for the words, " yeah, drowning right in front of us, and we just merrily watch the show, right?"_

_"That has been happening to him for a long time; years before any of as even met him," he said heavily, trying not to dwell on Eli`s previous words, not to dwell on the genuine distress in the boy`s eyes. _

_"That`s what you would like to believe, right?" Eli said abruptly, dropping his voice._

_He looked up sharply._

_"Eli, "_

_"No, no,... don`t. OK, so - we must just - come up with some scheme, you know. Why don`t you contact Earth and haul some super- smart double-brilliant genius of, like, psychology, over here? At the very least Rush would get some fun out of this," rattled out Eli, trying to sound kind of cheerful._

_"You really think that is gonna work?" Young snapped impatiently._

_Eli`s face fell._

_"No," he said quietly. "No I don`t. But we... just have to do something. "_

_A sharp pain shot across Young, stung him into acidity._

_"You really think he would bother that much about you?"_

_Eli paused, raised his eyebrows, opened his moith, stopped._

_" Yeah," he finally said with no hesitance in his words " I think he would go out of his way to fix me, but the moment I was OK he would begin with carefully explaining to me that he did all that only because I am an asset to the crew and he would finish by being as bastardly for the rest of the day, as it ishumanly possible. "_

_Young was silent for a moment._

_" Look, Eli," he finally said " there is nothing we can do now. We dare not mess with him: not before the shields are completed. Keeping Chloe out of his way, not bothering him- that is all. For now."_

_He walked away, trying to shut the boy`s resigned expression out of his memory._

/

Young nodded and TJ stepped up to Rush, keeping her right hand behind her back and smiling reassuringly.  
Rush glanced at them briefly and went on feeding data in his laptop.  
"Have no time. "  
" Yes, Rush, you do."  
Rush neither responded, nor raised his head, but his hands paused over the keyboard and he audibly drew a deep breath, trying to get command over himself.  
"Dr. Rush," TJ gently struck in, " You are overstrained, you are pushing yourself too hard. You can`t go on like this, you MUST get some sleep."  
" I must get some quiet, and that is exactly what you are right now denying me, " he responded, his voice low but edgy, his eyes still down.  
"Rush, you are putting the ship in danger, you`ve already messed figures twice you know that." Young said, trying to imitate the way he would have said this if only-  
"I set Eli to check the them, anyway, "Rush`s voice was still far too tightly controlled.  
"That is not the point. You are a danger to the ship if you carry on like this and..."  
TJ noticed the way Rush`s hands were gripping -ever tighter and tighter - the laptop, and, quickly interrupting the Colonel, she cheerfully said:  
" And we are just asking you to relax and get some sleep, that is all. Look," she carefully drew her hand from behind her back, " this is perfectly harmless and you will feel all the better for it."  
" No, " he said abruptly, starting to type feverishly, " I don`t need anything.I am fine. Just - leave, OK?"  
They both winced at the note of urgent pleading that had sounded so clearly in his last words.  
TJ helplessly curled her hand over the syringe, but Young tried to press the matter further.  
"Rush, this does not concern only you and you."  
" And so what?" Rush burst out with the vehemence they used to know so well. "Will you sedate me against my will? Restrain me, handcuff me? Certify me for a madman?"  
Seeing them draw back, he lowered his face once more, freezing completely, as if he felt that the slightest move on his part could overbalance him.  
" Dr. Rush, " TJ firmly spoke up, " We are only trying to help. You do need to sleep."  
There was no mistaking the open- hearted warmness of her tone.  
Rush was silent for a long minute.  
And then he looked up - for the first time since they entered.  
He looked up at her, letting her read his eyes. Letting her read his weakness and his pain and his acknowledgement that he was not coping. And his fear. Mostly - fear.  
TJ swallowed. Glanced at her palm.  
" I can`t," he murmured softly, so, that she could barely catch his words. " I can`t sleep - I... just can`t. You - you know that."  
Slowly TJ lowered her hand.  
Nodded.

Motioned to the Colonel to leave.

Once outside their eyes met and now they knew for certain: the countdown had started.

/

The crisis came a few days later. Together with an attack of the aliens.

Rush was completing (or rather trying to complete) the boosting up of the shields. A drastic change had come over him during the last 24 hours. He worked feverishly as if he knew ( as everyone else did) that he had very little time to finish the shields. As if he guessed.

The other scientists tried to keep pace with him but for all the notice he took of them they might as well have been on the other side of the ship. Or the Galaxy.

Young was also present there; ostensibly he was watching the completing of the shields-strengthening process but in reality he was watching Rush. The man was clearly hovering on the edge: his hands were shaking, his eyes were largely unfocused, he was, in fact, barely coherent.

And there were about two hours ( in Eli`s estimation) before the circuits would be reprogrammed and the shields would be full- powered. And they needed them- badly.

TJ joined Young noiselessly.

" Will he make it?" Young asked shortly in an undertone.

" He might, sir", TJ whispered back. " But he is almost breaking down with sleep deprivation. And even if he manages to finish with the shields, he will collapse shortly after. His mind can`t cope with the problem any more, he will need the truth. He is frightened by it, but he will need it. And then..."

Young tried to distance himself away from that which would happen after "then". The realisition hit him- he could ( probably) do it.

Rush couldn`t.

"At least we will have the shields, " he finally answered heavily, turning to leave.

It was 2 minutes later that the systems started screaming, the lights blinked, the ship trembled violently. Rush`s radio went alive.

" Rush, this is Scott. We are under attack, we need the shields. Rush?"

Rush kept typing, feeding data into the console, his fingers flying over the keyboard with an almost preternatural speed.

"Rush?"

Brody and Volker stepped up simultaneously, and at the same moment Rush responded to the radio-call.

"Rush here."

The tension in the room eased out at the dry, confident tone that Rush assumed the moment he spoke up. And which contrasted so vividly with his blank eyes and shaking hands.

" Shields operating at 25 percent. Am sending more. Need another...," he threw a quick glance at his wrist- watch "12 minutes to finish."

The crash came. Another. Still another. The lights above flickered , grew dim for a second, flashed back to life.

Eli was standing closest to Rush and he was the only one that noticed a sudded wave of panic shoot across the scientist`s face. Then Rush went still.

Ahother bang. Frightened shrieks over the ship.

"Rush?"

The scientist didn`t respond. His hands froze on the keyboard, his eyes were tightly shut.

Another hit - a shower of sparks.

" Let me finish this, OK?" Eli almost pleaded, trying to move Rush aside, reaching for the console . The scientist snapped out of his oblivion instantly, his hands once more flying over the keyboard.

" Dr. Rush I CAN finish this!"

No response.

"Please!"

Eli desperately switched on his radio.

" Colonel Young here."

" He has lost orientation" Eli was explaining feverishly " You see? I don`t know what he thinks is happening, but he is _stripping down_ the power, not boosting it up! We gotta stop this!"

" Can you finish the job?"

" Sure! He just clings to it, he won`t let me!"

"Coming."

Eli dropped the radio and stared at the now fully oblivious, unresponsive Rush, who was still issuing orders to the system.

Young tore into the control-room a few moments later. Forcing himself into calmness he approached the scientist, touched his shoulder.

"Rush, just give over and..."

The effect was immediate.

And violent - more violent, than they could have imagined...

When three minutes later TJ rushed in with her kit, they were still struggling with Rush - no longer trying to reassure him, just to - restrain.

And - for the moment - utterly failing...

/

Ten minutes later it was over. Greer and Scott, getting a wordless command from the Colonel, threaded noiselessly out of the infirmary and from across the room Young caught the startled eyes of the still clearly shaken Eli who had risen from the floor at their exit.

TJ tiptoed away from the gurney and started mixing some medicines and Young closed his eyes trying to control the inner trembling that had seized him at Rush`s first scream...

/

_Screams. _

_Another and another - piercing, hopeless,shattering..._

_Their frantic attempts at reassuring: " Rush, Rush, it is us, Rush it is OK, you are OK, stop it, STOP IT! "._

_Trying to keep him from lashing out, restraining him, struggling to pin him to the floor._

_Finally they hold him down, but he is still fighting, still trying to get away from whatever horrors are crowding his mind; from whatever horrors had been done to him._

_"Do we have to hurt him so much?" Eli`s distressed exclamation setting their nerves further on edge..._

_TJ shoving the shaking boy aside and hastily calling for Greer to join Scott and Young._

_And now Rush can no longer fight- not aginst the three of them. He can barely breathe._

_The begging was the worst part..._

_It is when he is fully immobilised that he stops screaming._

_And shuddering breaths, and his voice - quiet, half- choking, half-sobbing, pleading, non- stopping, hoping for nothing and yet begging... "Please, don`t... don`t please..."_

_And his face is wet, whether with sweat or tears they can`t tell._

_And they can only hope that he wouldn`t remember any of this. None of this._

_/_

Young opened his eyes, as TJ softly called him.

"Yes, yes, sure. Take you time. I`ll call you."

And she was gone.

And the room was quiet.

And Rush`s breathing was quiet.

/

_And how he is motionless and still. Defeated._

_His breathing is shallow and he stares into nothingness, as if he finally managed to shut himself off. _

_As TJ kneels near him with the syringe a flash of recognition shoots into his eyes._

_" No... "- this time it is a whisper. Because he knows she hears him and he knows she won`t help him. No one would._

_And tears slowly slip down his temples- and this is far, far worse than when his screaming had been mixed with sobbimg..._

_And a look of betrayal settles on his face just before unconsciousness claims him._

And now it was over. For how long?

/

Young didn`t want to get up and walk to the gurney and look at the man. But he did it.

_And the look of betrayal was still there..._

And now he felt nothing - nothing - but raw compassion for the man he had seen at his most vulnerable. Whom he hed seen pass the breaking- point. Whom he had pushed towards it.

Whom he was now looking at - seeing the ravages wrought in his face by his despair and pain and mounting helplessness...

Whom he had heard beg, sobbingly, chokingly plead for the mercy he knew he wouldn`t get. Whom he had seen driven to the edge and pushed over. Whom he had seen betrayed.

Whom he had betrayed.

And yes, he was wrong.

The worst part was still ahead.


	5. Chapter 5

A few minutes after TJ left Rush stirred. Young, tensing, stepped gingerly back out of his view. Should he call Tamara? If the man would break out again…He mentally jolted away from the image.

And sure enough, Rush was now making low, distressed sounds, his head moving restlessly from side to side, and his right hand tremblingly feeling for the IV that he was hooked to. Finding it, he jerkily pulled at the needle.

Young hastily stepped to the bed and hesitatingly touched Rush`s hand, stopping it.

"No, just - leave it, OK? Rush? Rush?"

"Take… out…hate them… " Rush whispered.

Young was about to remonstrate, but then he looked closer at the scientist and realized: the man was still heavily drugged, his eyes were unfocused and he clearly was not coherent. And he clearly was not recognizing Young.

" You are OK, you know" he said gently, pulling Rush`s hand away from the needle. " You are safe , and it is OK. You follow me?"

Rush`s eyes kept sliding past him, and he was whispering something in a low, trembling voice. Something about hospitals. And music. And needles.

Young suddenly felt that he had had enough. Drawing a deep breath was what he needed now, but it seemed as if he just couldn`t do it here- in the infirmary, side by side with Rush. He moved towards the door, intending to call TJ, and then get the hell out of this, but Rush immediately stirred again, his eyes opening wider, but still, evidently, not coming to himself.

"No, " he gasped, and something twisted in Young at the bare, unconcealed plead in his voice." No, don`t. I… stay. Have to… have someone. It…it is snowing." "He fell silent, breathing heavily, and finally whispered " I - can`t."

Rush`s last words were so sipmle and so- revealing, so utterly giving away, that Young for a moment felt that he just couldn`t get on with it- with the whole comforting business. Not he. Not with Rush.

And yet...Rush was definitely not identifying Young. To him he was probably right now either the personification of someone he evidently trusted ( unimaginable as it seemed ) or just a human being, whose presence shielded him from some terror or anguish. Whose voice and touch were something to cling to. And, tragically ironic as it was , this person was currently he, Colonel Young. It ws only to be hoped that Rush would be spared recollecting this.

Moving resolutely back, Young softly sat down beside the bed. Rush`s face softened and he closed his eyes.

And he talked.

Young was not sure if the man ought to be allowed to talk, in his current state, but, on the other hand, it really seemed that Rush could only open up in a semi- conscious state. And he evidently needed it - badly. So just let him talk awa, for once, as much as he could.

And Rush talked.

To him- of all people.

It seemed- just wrong, to be sitting there, listening to Rush. As if he were stealing something from him. In an underhanded, trust-betraying way.

Well, Young smiled wryly to himself, that seemed like no great deal after the big Leaving the Guy for Dead Thing.

And so he stayed.

Young did his best not to listen intently, and to his relief Rush spoke in such a heavy accent and in so low a whisper, that he cuold barely discern anything. Yet now and then half a sentence, or a word broke through. And they were sometimes very ordinary - too ordinary for Rusn`s screwed with pain face, for his breaking voice. Like examination schedules, or getting a ticket or the funny shot of Jimmy or not finding a clean shirt.

And sometimes they meant entirely too much for anyone to listen to. Like things one says to someone that means everything to him. Like things that burn one`s heart away. Like pain and sorrow and fear and guilt.

_She was smiling, the sunshine bathing her face, her eyes free from shadows, her face free from pain._

_And he was standing before her and trying to believe she was there, she was real. He was trying not to break down with joy – because she was here and pain- because it was wrong. Something was – oh, SO wrong…_

_And he knew that he knew the reason. Just… didn`t want to remember it._

_And she was talking and he couldn`t hear her voice._

_And when he did, he couldn`t stop her, couldn`t explain that she shouldn`t be saying that, because this all- just was not real…_

" …_.and I want you to believe me." She was gazing at him with loving, truthful eyes, and he could almost feel her breath on his face…_

_Only- he couldn't._

" _Nicholas, I needed you to live, but I did not need you to die. That is something that we all have to do alone. And I wasn`t. I wasn`t, truly. I was only sad sometimes because I felt that you were squandering away on your work the hours that could have been ours. But later I understood that there are periods when Time no longer matters. And I was never alone, you hear me? Not since that day you all but slid down the frozen street with me, remember?"_

_She smiled at the memory, and he tried to, but couldn`t feel his lips, feel anything at all… _

" _You were always there for me. You and your love. And I was frightened for you- I am, now. I knew that… I knew that you`ll miss me, that you – will not manage…"_

_She looked into his eyes, sorrowfully, knowingly._

" _And you can`t."_

_Tears he was past trying to control – not in this new ( piercingly familiar) world-without- Gloria – streamed down his face. Because she was there and not there. Because something was over long before he was ready, long before he could get ready. Ig he ever coild/_

_Because she was there and it couldn`t - just ** couldn`t** - ever be otherwise._

_He grasped her hands, brought them to his lips. _

_And he held to them, not feeling , no longer feeling their warmth - and he held to her._

_And closed his eyes, refusing to let all this- let her- go…_

Rush had stopped talking.

His eyes closed, droplets stealing down his face, his face immobile, locked in pain.

Young drew his eyes away. that was the only thing he coild do for him now. Just glance away.

Whatever dreams he were seeing, from now on, he was again on his own.

Like he was used to- fighting everything alone.

And doing a damn bad job if it.

And the greatest relief of this week was when TJ softly tiptoed to the bed.


End file.
